Fillet of Pork with Banana [Cooking For One]

Let's finish off the very weird Cooking For One with a really messed up recipe. This is the first recipe I've had to modify for my own personal safety. This condenses all the weirdness of this cookbook into one recipe: weird flavour combos, excessive microwave use (to cook meat even!), and somehow despite it all tasting bland.

Cookbook Recipe:

Ingredients:

• 1 small onion, sliced
• 1 tsp butter
• 5 oz (142g) fillet of pork
• 1/2 small banana
• salt and fresh ground black pepper
• 1 apple
• 2 tsp peanut butter
• 1-2 tbsp creme fraiche
• 1 tsp flaked almonds

Following the recipe exactly:

Say no more, say no more!

1. Put the onion and butter in a microwaveable dish and microwave on HIGH for 2 minutes (all microwave settings are on HIGH here). Cut a pocket in the pork and insert the banana (oo er!).

2. Season the pork and place in the microwaveable dish and spoon some of the onion on top. Peel and slice the apple and cover the pork with apple slices. Cover and microwave for five minutes.

3. In a bowl, mix the peanut butter and creme fresh and spread it over the pork. Top with the almonds and microwave uncovered for 3-4 minutes.

Mmmm trichinosis

4.  The recipe ends here, but you will now notice that the pork is still raw inside. I had to nuke the pork for an extra 4 minutes to cook it all the way through. I figure personal safety is work breaking my "no changes" rule.

The Outcome:

Just no.

This is really fucking terrible. I don't even know where to start. First, following the recipe exactly doesn't cook the meat all the way through. Secondly, it's gross - while banana and peanut butter or pork and apples go together, there's too much going on here, so it's a big sloppy grey mess. However, at the same time, it's also bland - the meat is tough and tasteless, as are the onions. The only redeeming quality is that it's now been a few hours and I don't think I have food poisoning.

Spinach Risotto [Cooking For One]

Another weird microwave monstrosity from the Cooking For One cookbook. This "risotto" (aka brown rice with some cheese) is entirely cooked in the microwave for way too long and, well, not to spoil anything, but it tastes like it. I'm just glad this didn't start an electrical fire.

Cookbook Recipe:

Ingredients:

• 1 tbsp butter
• 3 oz (85g) brown rice
• 1 small onion, sliced thin
• 1 cup vegetable stock, warmed
• 1/2 oz (14g) walnuts, roughly chopped
• 2 oz (57g) frozen chopped spinach, thawed, or fresh spinach, chopped
• 1/2 oz (14g) grated Parmesan
• fresh ground pepper and sea salt
• 1 tomato, in quarters, as garnish

Following the recipe exactly:

Yum.

1. Find the most microwaveable dish you own, because it's going to see a lot of action. All microwaving is done at HIGH. Melt the butter in the dish by microwaving it 1 minute. Stir in the rice and onion until coated, then microwave for 2 minutes.

Have mercy on me

2. Pour in the stock, partially cover and genuinely microwave it for 30-35 minutes. I kept on waiting for my microwave to short out or explode, since water was running down the inside of the door, but everything survived. Unsurprisingly, the rice around the edges is burnt.

Am I surprised?

3. Stir in the walnuts and spinach and microwave for another 5 minutes. Stir in the cheese and season to taste, garnishing with the tomatoes.

The Outcome:

This sucks. It's half burnt, it made me afraid my kitchen would burn down, and burnt rice bits aside, there's not a lot going on here apart from the Parmesan. I have no idea why they felt the need to use the microwave, this could be cooked in the same time on the stove (and probably would taste better too - you'd get to brown the onion up first). Hell, you cold probably cook an actual risotto in the time it takes to nuke this shitshow.

Exotic Potato Pudding [Cooking For One]

Oh yeah, time to get into the weird stuff. Pineapple + oranges + potato. Yes, potato. I apparently this isn't meant to be a dessert either - it's in the "vegetarian meal" section of the Cooking For One cookbook. It's also partially cooked in the microwave, and oddly for this cookbook, makes more than just one portion.

Cookbook Recipe:

Ingredients:

• 9 oz (255g) cooked potatoes
• Finely grated rind of 1 orange
• 1/2 orange, peeled
• 1/2 small pineapple, peeled (I prefer the term "butchered")
• 3 1/2 oz (99g) canned mandarins
• 3 tbsp mandarin juice from the can
• salt
• 1 tbsp butter

Following the cookbook recipe exactly:

1. Cut the potatoes into thin strips, sprinkle with the orange rind, and mix. Slice the orange and pineapple. Layer the potatoes, orange, pineapple, and mandarins in a greased microwaveable dish, top with a layer of potatoes. The potatoes are going to get a bit crumbly because, well, cooked potatoes.

2. Put the mandarin juice, butter, and a dash of salt in a bowl and microwave on high for 1 minute. Pour over the potatoes.

What am I doing with my life

3. Microwave the dish for 4-5 minutes.

The Outcome:

What the hell am I eating? It doesn't taste bad per se, but it's very, very weird. It's warm citrus and pineapple, but then suddenly there's a piece of potato. The weirdness is compounded since there aren't any spices in here, it's just fruit and potato. The good news is potato is such a neutral flavour, so it's more just weird than bad. I think I'm having some kind of dissonance with this, because I did eat seconds of this, but I still can't really wrap my head around it.